Missing Him

As I begin a new chapter of my life I wish more then ever that Justin was here! I would give anything to have him hold me and just talk in generl. I diidn't hear from him today and I really do miss reading his words. I hope to hear from him tomorrow.

Missing Him

Justin may be miles away yet I fill so content. I long for the day we are together more then anyone knows. The bond we share is so awesome. We write each other everyday just because! We are taking advantage of this time apart to really get to know each other through the words we write. I love learning new things about him. He makes me laugh everyday! He's always on my mind and in my heart! This young man has rocked my world and I LOVE IT!  My life has changed so much...I look forward to the future and spending it with him. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but hey that's ok I don't care! It's time I live for ME and not worry about what others think. Justin makes me happy and that's all I care about! One day baby...our day will soon be here!

Hmm Something Is Different

I found myself looking forward for the mail to be delivered everyday...a chance there might be a letter from my buddy. I use to write him every couple of weeks..no big deal. Now I was writing him every few days. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted to learn as much about him as possible. He was so open. It didn't take long for us to see how much we thought alike and believe it or not had in common! It was amazing to say the least. I knew everything I was feeling was wrong. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? I couldn't stop thinking about him! I prayed to God for guidance, I didn't know what to do. I hadn't felt so alive in over 15 years! I had to go with what felt right. I had to take a chance.... Now the problem was how do I tell him how I was feeling? I had been playing it off so cool or so I thought! So my next letter started a little different.... I told him how much he warmed my heart, how much I cared about him.  I was falling in love with him! How could this be possible? Everyone knows the games inmates play..they have nothing but time and nothing to lose! How was I to know if I was just a game he was playing? I had so many doubts! I was surprised to learn he was feeling something too. He kept reassuring me he was for real and not playing with my heart. Before I went any further I had to make sure I was ready for the backlash and anger I would be facing from my kids. I didn't want to toy with his heart either. I was about to make a decision that would change my life as I knew it! I have lived for my kids for the last 21 years. They are grown up and moving on. It's time I do the same! I deserve to be happy. I want to love someone with all my heart and know I am loved in return. I wanted nothing more then to give my love and my heart to Justin. It felt so right!

Lost Letters

As I promised I responded to Justin's simple letter's. It was nothing more then hello and how are you. It was shortly after we began to correspond with each other that our mail came up missing. Neither one of us were sure if the other one was even replying back. In December 2009 one of my letters finally landed! Justin was surprised to hear from me since the last letter he had received was September 24, 2009. He took the time to write a brief life history and explained the crime he committed that landed him at a level 4 yard at the young age of 19. He was now writing this info for the third time!

What Am I Feeling

Before long I was looking forward to Justin's letters. He made me laugh for the first time in years. His words were powerful. How can someone be so smart and in tune with himself and be behind bars? This youngster is intelligent beyond belief! He knew exactly how and where he went wrong. When he entered the system he was full of anger and hate. He was ready to take it out on anyone. Once he did just that he soon found out all he was doing was causing himself and his family more pain. He spent 16 months in the hole with nothing but time to re=evaluate his life and what he wanted to do with it!

A Friend Who Listened

Back in December Justin made the comment "you must be single or yo wouldn't be writing me". I didn't respond either way because I didn't feel being married had anything to do with us just being pen pals. It wasn't until June that I opened up completely and told him about my DUI, driver license situation, my loveless marriage and my plans for my future. I told him I was involved with Celebrate Recovery and church. I had a new outlook on life. One day I hoped to love someone and be loved by someone in return. It was nice to have someone to spill my heart and soul to! As always he response was supportive and understanding. He also was hoping to find love once he was free. I never dreamed the love we spoke of would soon change my life!

More Letters To Come

In July we started writing more often. Our conversations just flowed so naturally. He wanted to know if I was looking for a young stud and I kept telling him no! There was a 20 year age difference between us and I had a son older then him! I would just laugh it off. I had never had any desire or thoughts of being with some one his age. I have 15 kids just like him! Young men still trying to find their place in the world without a care in the world. Our friendship continued to grow with each and every letter. He was an amazing youngster! It wasn't long before I realized he wasn't lying when he said he was much older then his age. His mind was incredible.

Tears In June

Justin and I continued to write every now and then over the months. In May he sent me a short note letting me know he had been transfered from Kern Valley to San Lois Obispo. In June I went on vacation to North Carolina and upon my return there was an large envelope waiting for me. Enclosed was a beautiful cross in the memory of my nephew Brett. It was so sweet. I will never forget opening up one of the most special pieces of mail I had ever received! It was a very sweet Happy Birthday card! I remember laying on the couch with tears rolling down my face. This young man had remembered my birthday and took the time to send me a card to let me know! My own husband didn't even get me a card! This simple act of kindness meant so much to me! I knew at that moment there was something very different about this young man. He was caring, kind, smart, funny, thoughtful and very real!

How Was I to Know

Back in June 2009 I received a simple note from a very polite and articulate young man. He was an inmate at a California State Prison and he simply asked if I minded if he wrote me now and then. I thought it was sweet and I know how much mail means to someone in that situation. Something about this note touched me so I wrote back saying sure I don't mind. It was as simple as that!